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Home / Sexual Health / Sexuality & Sex / Pleasure and Safer Sex

Pleasure and Safer Sex

Sex isn’t just about reproduction, it can be fun and feel good too! In this section we provide information on sexual pleasure, lube, and safer sex tips for physical and mental health.

Pleasure

Sexual pleasure is an important part of safer sex. Here are some ways to make safer sex more pleasurable:

Use protection that feels good. Lubricants, condom fit and the material that protection is made from (latex, polyurathane) can make a difference. Try different types of protection to find out what works best for you and your partners. Visit a sex shop or a condom store, talk to staff and get ideas about things that can help make sex feel good and lower the chances of getting an STI.

Know what feels good for you. Sexual pleasure is different for each person. It can help to learn what feels good to you, what excites you and what you are okay with. Belief and values, as well as privacy, mood and safety, can all be part of it. Try masturbating to get to know yourself. Sex toys can be another way to learn more about sexual pleasure.

Find out what feels good for your partner(s). Giving and receiving pleasure is a big part of sex. Ask your partner what they like and don’t like. Share with each other things you might like to try. Talk with each other about how to make protection feel better for everyone.

Be able to say yes and no. It can help make sex more enjoyable if you are able to say what you like. You can say things like “I like this” or “that feels good”. It is also important to know you can stop something, even if you are in the middle of sex, that doesn’t feel good or right. You can say “I need to stop”, “this doesn’t feel good” or “I need a minute”. Talking about what you like can get easier with practice.

Check out our tips for talking to partners about sex, and more information about consent.

Learn more about sexual pleasure. There are lots of ways to learn about how to make sex feel better. If you have a good sex shop in your area, check out the book section. Staff can help you find books to suit your interests. Online sex shops are another way to search out good information and can be a good starting place.

Check out our having sex section for more information about different ways that people have sex.

If you are having problems with sexual pleasure, you may want to find a counsellor or some resources. Learn more about sexual concerns.

Lubricants

Lubricants (lube) can increase pleasure and lower the chance that a condom will break with penetrative sex. Lube helps condoms move easily on skin, making sex safer and more pleasurable.

When there is dryness, there is more chance that tender anal or vaginal/internal genital skin will tear, or a condom will break. Not only is it painful to have small tears, it is also easier to get or pass an STI if the skin is broken. Lubricants reduce friction during sex and this helps to prevent condoms from breaking. Some people find that a small drop of lube inside the tip of the condom can also increase pleasure.

There are different kinds of lubricants:

Water-based lube is safe to use with latex condoms and silicone toys and easily washes away. It tends to dry up and become sticky sooner than silicone-based lube, but adding water or saliva will make it slick again.

Silicone-based lube is also safe with latex condoms.  It tends to stay wetter longer and does not get sticky. Silicone lube is not water-soluble, so it can be harder to wash away and may damage silicone toys over time and make them sticky.

Glycerine-free lube is good for people who find that lubricants cause vaginal/internal genital irritation

Both water-based and silicone lubes are available in drugs stores and sex stores. They vary in thickness, smell, and taste, so try some different ones to find out what you prefer.

 

Lubes to avoid

Avoid petroleum-based products (for example, Vaseline), oils, and lotions if you are using latex condoms, as they can cause the condom to break. Sometimes people use home ingredients as lube, such as vegetable oils or syrups. Be aware that some may cause other problems such as yeast infections.

Avoid lubes and condoms with the spermicide nonoxynol-9. Nonoxynol-9 causes cell damage in the vagina and anus, and may increase the chance of passing or getting an HIV infection.

 

Coconut oil as lube

Coconut oil is an edible vegetable-based oil that can be used on external skin. There has recently been increased interest in using coconut oil as a sexual lubricant.

There is no formal research on coconut oil as lube and caution is recommended when using it inside the body (like inside the vagina/internal genitals or anus). If you decide to try using coconut oil as lube, be aware of any body changes afterwards and stop using it if you notice any irritation in the genital area.

Why do people like it?

Convenient: For some people, coconut oil is a convenient choice for lube because they are familiar with it and have it available at home.

Doubles as massage oil: Coconut oil is great for using as a massage oil. Some people like using it for massage before sex and as lube during sex.

Moisturizing: The moisturizing properties of coconut oil are well established. For some people, the extra moisture provided by coconut oil makes it a good option for them.

What are the drawbacks?

Antibacterial properties: Coconut oil has proven antibacterial properties, meaning that it can kill bacteria. Although we use antibacterial products to wash our hands, using antibacterial products inside the body can cause problems. For example, the vagina/internal genitals have a delicate balance of healthy bacteria and coconut oil may disrupt that balance. Altering the balance of vaginal bacteria can lead to yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis.

Should not be used with condoms: Oil-based lubes damage condoms. Research shows how oil damages latex and polyurethane condoms, and makes condoms more likely to break.

Staining: Coconut oil is greasy and can stain bed sheets and clothes.

 

Resources

Vancouver Coastal Health – Tips for a healthy vagina

Toward the Heart – Search by city or postal code to find clinics in BC that provide free safer sex supplies, including lube.

Scarleteen – With Pleasure: A view of whole sexual anatomy for every body

Safer Sex

Regular STI testing

It’s a good idea to get tested for STIs regularly, usually every 3 – 12 months. For example, if you or your partner(s) are having sex with new or casual partners, you might want to test every 3 or 6 months.

To get the most accurate results for an STI test, it is important to know when to test. It takes time before an STI infection will show up on a test. This is called the “window period”.

If you are being treated for an STI, wait until both you and your partners have finished the medication before you have vaginal, oral, or anal sex.

Learn more about STI testing

Emotional health

Safer sex includes taking care of your emotional well-being. While sex can be enjoyable for many people, it can also lead to fear, anxiety and worry. Sex is an experience that can make many of us feel vulnerable or embarrassed – remember, you’re not alone! 

If you’re finding that these concerns are impacting your mental and emotional health, you may want to consider talking to someone you trust, like a good friend, family member or counsellor.

Learn more about Sex & Mental Health

Society: Some cultures or social settings have strong beliefs about sex and sexuality, including what is “normal” and “not normal”. For some people, not following these beliefs can cause strong emotions. People may feel shame and guilt about who they are or their sexual activities, or fear being rejected by their community.

Body image: Social media, TV/movies, porn, and even our peers can drive ideas of what we think is “ideal” when it comes to our bodies and sex.  This can make people feel excluded on the basis of sexual function, medical conditions, age, ability, identity, or body type from exploring their sexuality or sexual experiences. We can reflect on the assumptions and biases we might have, and challenge them to make sex and sexuality inclusive for everyone.  If you are struggling with making sex safe and pleasurable, talk with a trusted health care provider to find out ways you may be able to improve your sexual experiences.

Learn more about being Sex Positive

Emotional connection: Sex can create strong emotions, which may not be shared in the same way between sexual partners. For many people, sex is linked to feelings of love and connection. For others, sex is more about fun and pleasure, and may not involve emotional connection. These differences could lead to confusion and hurt. Being aware of what sex means to you, what you want, and talking about expectations with your partners can help to avoid emotional pain.

Wanting different things: People can have different likes and comfort levels around sex. It is good to know what types of sexual activity you are comfortable with, talk about them with your partner, and stick to those activities.

Fear of STIs: Some people worry a lot about getting an STI, or about passing an STI to a partner.  This fear can take away from the pleasure of sex and can also have an impact on daily life. Take some time to learn about the chances of getting an STI with different types of sex, and what you can do if you have a lot of worry and anxiety about STIs.

Physical health

Sex Toys: People use different items as sex toys, so there are things to think about to safely use or share them. Some ways to lower the chance of physical harm from sex toys include making sure they do not have sharp edges, and that they have a flange (or flare) at the end so they don’t get lost in the rectum or vagina.

With some physical disabilities, people can have decreased sensation in their genital area. Tissues in the anal area can also have less sensation. In these cases, take extra care to prevent tissues from being harmed during sex or when using sex toys.

Learn more about sex toys

Medical considerations: Some medications, accidents, medical conditions, and/or surgeries can have an effect on your sex life.  Talk with your health care provider to find out how you can make sex safe and pleasurable after experiencing a change to your body.

If you or your partner is living with an STI

If you are living with an STI, you can help to protect your partner and have a healthy sex life. Living with an STI does not mean safer sex has to get in the way of good sex. There are lots of ways to enjoy sex. 

Learn more about living with an STI

Know your options: Some ways of having sex have less chance of passing on STIs than others. Know about sexual activities and related chances of STIs, and choose those that you are comfortable with.  Lots of sexual activities that don’t involve sexual intercourse also feel good!

Alcohol, drugs and sex

Alcohol and drugs can change your experience with sex. Everyone is different so it is important to check in with yourself and how you feel, you may make different choices when under the influence of alcohol and drugs.

Alcohol and many drugs reduce inhibitions which can lead to increased sexual behaviors.  If you use alcohol and drugs, consider the following:

Know your limits: It helps to know how alcohol and drugs affect you, so you can plan ahead of time how much you will consume. If you do drugs, plan which drugs you will do, how much and how often.

Plan for sex: Even if you don’t think you will have sex, you can be prepared. Carry protection such as condoms. Even if you don’t need the condoms, a friend may need them. Consider what kinds of sex you are okay with, and what your limits are.

Take a break: If you feel you have had too much, drink some water or get some fresh air. Even if you are in the middle of sex, you can take a break or stop.

Buddy Up: Have a friend to check in with. If you leave with someone, make sure your friend knows where you are going and who you are leaving with. Keep an eye on your friends too. You can learn how to respond to an overdose to help keep your friends safe.

Know where you are: Sometimes the party moves or you are travelling in an unfamiliar place. Have a plan for how you will get home. Send a message to a friend to let them know where you are, and when you get home safely.

Trust your gut: If you feel unsafe, trust your instincts. When you use alcohol and drugs, it can be harder to detect danger. If you are not sure about a person, or suddenly feel like you are in an unsafe place, find a friend, call someone or find a safe ride home.

Don’t share supplies: Avoid sharing any equipment. If you snort, use your own straw and if you inject, use your own cooker, needle and syringe. Hepatitis C and other infections can be transmitted through blood. Clean supplies can be found at a local harm reduction site.

Consent: Meaningful, enthusiastic and ongoing consent is important for every sexual encounter. Establishing consent can be more complicated when using drugs and/or alcohol. Check-in with your partner(s) verbally and pay attention to body language and other cues. Consent is not possible if someone is not conscious, aware, and able to remember the experience. 

Learn more about consent

If you have a bad sexual experience experience, find out what you can do:

Resources

AVERT.org – Drink, drugs and sex