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Being skilled at how to ask for, and give, consent is an important part of building healthy sexual relationships. Taking the time to speak to your partner(s) about sexual activities, preferences, boundaries can help make experiences and/or relationships better and more safe. It is important to remember that true consent is more than a simple “yes”.
At first, consent can appear simple: one person asks for something and the other person says yes or no. But there is more to it when you look at consent in different situations, including sex.
Although legal definitions of consent for sexual activities are different across countries, they generally describe it as freely given, affirmative consent to sexual acts by people with the capacity to consent. The legal definition of consent is the lowest possible bar for having consensual interactions, and only distinguishes between criminal and non-criminal activity.
True consent, is when each person asks for what they want and then collaborate to have a positive interaction for everyone involved.
Capacity to Consent: People must be conscious, in control of their mental abilities, of legal age, and in a state of mind where they are able to give and communicate their consent. If there is a large power difference between people, such as between a therapist and their patient, consent is not possible.
Freely Given: It is not consent if someone agrees to an activity because they feel pressured, threatened, manipulated, or lied to. This is true even if a person is threatening to harm themselves if the other doesn’t agree to a sexual activity.
Affirmative Consent: A clear agreement to participate that is expressed through words and action. Consent is more than the absence of a “no”. Affirmative consent is a clear “yes”.
A best practice for affirmative consent is to ask your partner to use full sentences to tell you what they do and don’t want, rather than one word agreements such as “ok” and “sure”. Check out the ‘skills for consent’ section below for ideas of how to improve your relationship interactions.
Enthusiastic Consent: A commonly used phrase is, “Only enthusiastic consent is consent”. It’s important to consider the difference between someone wanting, being willing, and tolerating sex. Tolerating sexual activities is not true consent, because often there is some form of underlying pressure.
For better relationships, people are learning how to use skills for consent to improve their interactions.
There are several factors that make it difficult for many of us to clearly ask for what we want. We struggle to say no to what we don’t want, to say yes to what we do want, and even to know what we want to begin with. On top of that, many of us have experiences such as past trauma, damaged boundaries, and stress responses that we bring with us. We may not even be aware of how these experiences affect our interactions.
Consent is poorly represented in the media and many of us did not have consent modeled to us as children. We live in a world with power imbalances, and often inequity has been normalized as just the way things are. We can understand and interpret different meanings in the words people speak, which can complicate someone’s ability to navigate consent.
The Freeze Response: This is the most common reaction that people have when consent is violated. It is often seen in children dealing with abuse as well as people experiencing sexual assault.
During a Freeze Response, parts of the brain shuts down and other parts take over. Our body’s circulation changes, and we become unable to do many things, including yelling, running away, or even saying the words we would like to say. All of this happens in less than 15 milliseconds and is outside of our conscious control. It is important that people who experience the Freeze Response don’t blame themselves and that others don’t question people about how they reacted.
Understanding the Freeze Response can also help us recognize it in others. A person experiencing the Freeze Response will not be able to give enthusiastic consent. This is another important reason to seek enthusiastic consent.
Some people struggle to say no or ask for what they want, and we can’t assume to know someone’s past experiences or trauma. Have compassion, listen, ask questions, pay attention to body language, and use these tips to create safety and help people to express their authentic wants and needs:
Consent Culture: Consent culture emphasizes collaboration to create the best interactions possible for everyone involved. In consent culture, bodily autonomy is honored and personal interactions are equitable, compassionate, and respectful. When we use consent skills with others, we are creating a consent culture.
Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators by Marcia Baczynski and Erica Scott
Talk Sex Today: What Kids Need to Know and How Adults Can Teach Them by Meg Hickling and Saleema Noon
Real Talk About Sex and Consent: What Every Teen Needs to Know by Cheryl M. Bradshaw, MA
What Does Consent Really Mean? by Pete Wallis and Thalia Wallis
The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent by Dr. Betty Martin, D.C., with Robyn Dalzen