Talking to Your Partners

Here are some tips of how you can start the conversation with your partner(s) about:

• Telling your partner(s) what you like 
• Using condoms 
• Getting tested for STIs
• Telling your partner(s), “you need to get tested”
• Letting your partner(s) know, “I have an STI”

Telling Your Partner(s) What You Like

When to talk about it

You and your partner(s) should be able to ask for what they want and say no to what they don’t. Talking about sex can help you and your partner(s) feel heard, respected, and have sexual experiences that are enjoyable for everyone. Consent is ongoing and you can always change your mind when it comes to physical interactions. 

It is also a good practice to discuss things like what you would like during sex, what your boundaries are (what is off-limits) with you partners, as well as things like whether contraception will be used, and STIs..

What you can say

“I like it when…. ”
“That feels good.”
“Can you do it like this?”
“I don’t like it when…..”
“That’s not really working for me. I like this better.”
“Try it this way. It feels really good when you do that!”
“I need to stop.”
“I want to slow down.”
“Can we do that again?”
“Let’s remember that position for next time!”
“Grab the lube.”

Know the facts

Some people feel shy about asking for what they want during sex. If you sense your partner is one of those people, ask them what they like and encourage them. Some people fear being laughed at, so if you can help build the trust, you and your partner(s) can learn more about each other’s likes and desires. It doesn’t have to be a whole conversation. Just little things can help you know what works for each of you. Open communication can make sex better!

Using Condoms 

When to talk about it 

It’s a good idea to talk about this before you get into sex. But often this talk happens in the heat of the moment. Have something ready to say or pull out a condom when things get hot and heavy.  If you have already had unprotected sex with a partner, you can still start using protection. Before you have sex again, talk about why using protection is important for you. 

What you can say

• “Do you have a condom, or should I get one of mine?”
• “We can do other things if we don’t have a condom.”
• “It’s important to me that we use condoms. How can we make it work for both of us?”
• “I know we’ve already had sex without condoms, but I feel better knowing we’re using protection.”

Know the facts

Using protection is an effective way to reduce many types of STIs. In many cases, STIs are passed it on when people don’t know they have one. Condoms, as well as other forms of contraception can prevent pregnancy.

Getting Tested for STIs

When to talk about it

Ideally, it’s best to talk about STI testing before you have sex with a new partner(s). But even if you have already had sex, it’s still a good idea for all partners to get tested.

What you can say

• “Let’s both get tested to care for our health. Either of us could have something and not know it.”
• “I think we should both get checked. Sometimes you can’t tell, so I just want us to be safe for each other.”
• “Just so you know, the last time I got tested was 3 months ago. What about you?”
• “I think we should both get checked…want to go together?”

Know the facts

Getting tested is the only way to know for sure that you do not have an STI. Getting tested is pretty easy – find a clinic near you or learn what to expect when you go for testing.

Telling Your Partner(s), “You Need to Get Tested”

When to talk about it

If you have just found out you have an STI, it’s important to let sexual partners know that they need to get tested.  Anyone you have had genital, anal or oral sex with may have the same STI.  Let your partners know soon so they can get tested and treated. 

What you can say

• “I got some test results today. I think we should talk about them.”
• “I just found out I might have something and I am worried about you. I’ll come to the clinic with you if you want.”
• “I just learned that a person I was with a while ago has an STI. I want us both to get tested just in case.”

Know the facts

Your sexual partners may unknowingly pass the STI on to another person, or back to you if they are not tested and treated. Some untreated STIs can cause serious health problems.  Let your partner know where to get tested. Have information, such as trusted online resources, ready to give your partners.

What might happen

Be prepared to deal with different reactions your partner(s) may have. If your partner(s) is upset, try not to take it personally. Your partner(s) may need time to react to what you have said. Telling your partners that they need to get tested is a way to show you care about their health. Try to tell them calmly and with confidence.

Other ways to let your partner know to get tested

1. Tell your partners with a health care provider present. Make an appointment to go together. Your health care provider can help answer questions.
2. Have a health care provider tell your partners for you, without using your name. Either your health care provider or a public health nurse will contact your partners. This person will tell your partners they may have an STI and need to get tested.  

Letting Your Partner(s) Know, “I Have an STI”

When to talk about it

It may feel like there is no “good time” to tell someone about an STI. It’s a good idea to think about the pros and cons of telling someone at the beginning of a relationship. Waiting until later can make it harder to bring it up, especially if you are having unprotected sex.

What you can say

• “I need to let you know I have the virus that causes _______. I use condoms, but let’s talk about it”.
• “Before we have sex, I need to tell you something.  I found out I have _______.”
• “This is hard for me to talk about, but you should know that I have _______. We can talk about what this means for us.”
• “I have a very common STI _______.  I’ve learned a lot about it if you have questions.”

Know the facts

Learn about the STI you have. Knowing the facts can help you answer questions your partners may have. Find out about symptoms and how the STI is passed between people. Talk about safer sex and how it lowers the chances of passing on STIs. It can help to have some resources for your partners. Learn more about living with an STI.

What might happen

Sometimes people are surprised to find that nothing terrible happens when they tell their partners. But in our society, shame and stigma are often tied to STIs. Some partners may be angry, shocked or judging when you tell them you have an STI. If that happens, give your partner some time to think and try to remain calm. Talk to a friend or professional for support. Sometimes a partner (or partners) want to end a relationship when they find out about an STI. If that happens, it doesn’t mean you will never have another relationship or sex again. People living with STIs still have relationships and active sex lives.

Be brave. No matter how they react (and it may be great!), remember that there is a lot more to you than your STI. Focus on the other great things about yourself and over time, talking about your STI usually gets easier.