Talking to Your Partners

Talking to partners about sex

Good communication skills and respect can help you and your partner(s) make informed choices about your bodies, and can improve sexual experiences.

Respectful Communication

• Choose a calm, private time to talk—when both of you feel relaxed and open to having a conversation. During or right after sex when emotions might be high is usually not the best time to talk about sensitive matters.
• Different people have different comfort levels and experience when it comes to talking about sexual activities, pleasure, and health. For some they can feel awkward and uncomfortable. It can help talk about what respectful communication looks like with your partner(s) to help get the conversation started.
• Encourage your partner(s) to share what they are comfortable with, listen to understand, and take a non-judgmental approach to help open the conversation and feel heard.
• Use “I” statements (like “I feel…” or “I like…”) to focus on your personal experiences and needs.

Talk About Sexual Pleasure

• Always respect your partner’s boundaries, and work together to create a safe space where both of you can explore and enjoy intimacy.
• Everyone has different comfort levels and limits. Be clear about your boundaries and listen carefully to your partner’s. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to say no or to change your mind.
• Sex is something you and your partner(s) should enjoy! If something feels uncomfortable or if you want to try something new, talk about it at the right time. Honest and encouraging communication can help build trust and excitement.
• Everyone experiences pleasure differently. Share what feels good for you, and ask your partner what they enjoy, too. 

Consent is Essential

• Consent is a process and should be enthusiastic, ongoing, freely given, based on equal power, and can be taken away at any time.
• Some people struggle to say no or ask for what they want or have past experiences of trauma that we may not be aware of. Have compassion, listen, ask questions, pay attention to body language, and learn skills for consent.
• Respect someone’s “no” and take it as an opportunity to learn, grow, or try something new. 

Informed Decision-Making

• Know the risks, benefits, and prevention methods available so you and your partner(s) can make informed choices. This might include talking about birth control options and sexual health history.
• Understand different STIs, how to prevent them, and which sexual activities are more or less likely to pass them.
• Get tested regularly with your partner(s) for STIs so that you know and can take action as soon as possible. Some people share their STI testing history with partners to help make informed choices. Getting tested is the only way to know for sure that you do not have an STI. Getting tested is pretty easy – find a clinic near you or learn what to expect when you go for testing.
• Use condoms, barriers, lube, or other measures to make sex safer or if you are avoiding pregnancy.

Be Open to Feedback and Change

• Sexual needs and comfort levels can change over time. Regularly check in with each other about how you’re feeling, what’s working, and what might need to change.
• Keep an open mind and be willing to adapt as your sexual relationship evolves.

Informing your partners you have an STI

If you recently found out that you have a reportable STI, or if you are living with an STI, you should let your partner(s) know.

Telling your partner is important so they can get testing and treatment, which will help make sure they:

• Don’t give you the infection again (infections can go back and forth between partners when not treated)
• Don’t spread the infection to others,
• Can take care of their sexual health and wellbeing, and,
• Can help stop long-term health problems for everyone involved.

If sharing sexual health related information including your test results to a partner feels unsafe, prioritize your safety. Talking openly about sexual health with partners can show respect, trust, and caring. Your safety is important and if you ever have worries, feel scared or unsafe, contact a healthcare provider or service organization that you trust.

There are exceptions if you are living with HIV. People who are living with HIV need to tell their partners before they have sex with them if there is a chance of passing the virus. This can depend on things such as the types of sex you are having, if you use a condom and how much virus there is in your blood (if you have a detectable viral load). Visit the Canadian HIV/AIDS Legal Network website for more information about the legal requirements.

Ways to inform partners

There are a few different ways to you can inform your partner(s) about an STI and ask them to get tested.

• Have an in-person conversation and prepare
• Get support: Schedule an appointment together with a healthcare provider for support.
• Ask your provider: Ask if your healthcare provider can tell your partners anonymously.
• Use anonymous tools: Use online tools like TellYourPartner.org (under maintenance) or STD Check.

What you can say

• “I got some test results today. I think we should talk about them.”
• “I just found out I might have something and I am worried about you. I’ll come to the clinic with you if you want.”
• “I just learned that a person I was with a while ago has an STI. I want us both to get tested just in case.”
• “I need to let you know I have the virus that causes _______. I use condoms, but let’s talk about it”.
• “Before we have sex, I need to tell you something.  I found out I have _______.”
• “This is hard for me to talk about, but you should know that I have _______. We can talk about what this means for us.”
• “I have a very common STI _______.  I’ve learned a lot about it if you have questions.”

What to expect

Be prepared for a range of reactions from your partner(s). If they seem upset, try not to take it personally. They may need some time to process what you’ve shared. Stay calm and speak confidently when explaining your feelings. Have trustworthy, educational information or resources ready to share with your partners to help with the conversation.

If your partner(s) react with anger, shock, or judgment, give them space to think and try to stay composed. Remember, STIs are common and they are not a reflection of your character or worth.

It can be helpful to talk to a friend or professional for support. If you are living with an STI, remember you can still have full sex lives and relationships.

Be courageous—talking about sexual health becomes easier with practice.