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Home / Sexual Health / Sexuality & Sex / Having Sex

Having Sex

People can have different likes and comfort levels around sex. It is good to know what types of sexual activity you are comfortable with, talk about them with your partner, and stick to those activities.

People have different preferences and comfort levels when it comes to having sex with partners, self-pleasure, or not to have sex at all. Here we describe some of the ways people have sex and recommended resources to address common questions people have about different types of sex. 

People have sexual desires and experience sexual pleasure across all stages and ages of life. Sexual desires also often change over time.

Check in with yourself and with partners, especially when trying things that are new to you or your partners. Consent is very important for any sexual activities with partners, including communication about needs, preferences, and comfort levels 

Overview

Penetrative sex usually refers to genital, oral, and anal penetration. Many sexual activities can feel good for you and partners that do not involve penetrative sex. 

Experimenting and playing with different kinds of touch or stimulation can increase pleasure and teach you a lot about what you and your partners like.

Some examples :

  • Kissing
  • Hand jobs/fingering (hand/fingers on or in genitals)
  • Self pleasure – masturbation, also called solo sex
  • Mutual masturbation – where partners stimulate each others genitals with hands or sex toys
  • Dry humping (or ‘frottage’)- sexual rubbing without  penetration
  • Online sex or phone sex/sexting
  • Nipple play
  • Tantric sex – a practice that involves slower touch, massage or meditation, with a focus on breath, connection, and sensations

You can also experiment with different kinds of sex toys.

There are many reasons to choose non-penetrative ways of being sexual. Some aren’t ready or comfortable with penetrative sex, or may feel more confident with non-penetrative sex. Non-penetrative sex also has low or no risk of transmitting STIs, so some choose these to reduce risk or while waiting for STI test results or treatment.

Masturbation

Masturbation (also called ‘solo sex’ or self-pleasure) is a safe and normal sexual experience in which a person stimulates them self for sexual pleasure. Masturbation can involve exploring different body parts, sex toys and techniques.

How does it work?

Masturbation is a great way to explore different kinds of sexual stimulation and learn what you like. It is not uncommon for people to practice solo sex at any age. How you masturbate is based on what feels right for you. There is no “wrong” way to masturbate if it feels good, you aren’t harming others, and you’re not doing something illegal. 

If your genitals feel irritated or injured during masturbation, try a different technique, take a break, or use lubrication.

Some people enjoy masturbating while their partner(s) watch or masturbate as well. It can also be a way to show your partners what you like. If you are masturbating with partner(s), consent is necessary. Mutual masturbation is when partners stimulate each others genitals at the same time with their hands or toys.

Sometimes people fantasize about sex they wouldn’t normally have while they’re masturbating. It is not wrong to have taboo fantasies, but it is important that “real world” sexual experiences are mutually respectful and consensual. There can be a lot of shame around masturbation, like other kinds of sex. Many originate in societal, religious or cultural traditions or taboos.

Health considerations

Some people masturbate often, some do not, and this can change over a lifetime. There is no physical or emotional harm to masturbating often. As with anything, if you feel that something is interfering with other aspects of your life, you may consider making changes.

STIs and masturbation

There is no chance of passing an STI during solo sex, or masturbating with a partner if you are not touching each other or sharing sex toys.  

There is a chance of passing an infection from one person to another if you touch your genitals and then touch your partner’s genitals (mutual masturbation), as sexual fluid can transfer this way.  Another potential way to pass an infection from one person to another during masturbation is if you share sex toys without washing them between individual uses because STIs can live on sex toys.  Generally, the chances of passing STIs during mutual masturbation is lower than it is with some forms of penetrative sex. 

Resources

Scarleteen – Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation

Sex Toys

Sex toys or sex aids are used to help with pleasure during sex. They come in all shapes and sizes and some vibrate. You can use them when you are alone, or with partners. Some examples of sex toys include vibrators, dildos, cock rings, anal beads, harnesses, and feathers.

Lubricants

  • Water based lube can be used on all toys.
  • Silicone lube will break down silicone toys, but it is OK for use on some toys.
  • Avoid oils or petroleum-based jellies because they can cause condoms to break and toys to break down.

Health considerations

Preventing STIs

STIs can pass from one person to another from sharing sex toys. It is important to understand how to keep sex toys clean and how to prevent STIs from passing between partners.

If sex toys are shared, use a new condom on your toys, and/or clean them between uses. Use a new condom on a sex toy or clean it if you are switching from anal to genital or oral sex. Some types of sex toys are hard to clean and it may not be possible to remove STIs.

Cleaning sex toys

Cleaning methods for sex toys will depend on the toy and what it is made of:

  • Use a mild unscented soap for cleaning sex toys.
  • Don’t immerse toys that are electric or battery operated in water.
  • Store toys in individual ziplock bags.

Oral Sex

Oral sex is when a person stimulates their partner’s genitals with their mouth, lips or tongue. Oral sex can include licking or sucking a person’s vulva, vagina or internal genitals, clitoris (cunnilingus), penis or external genitals (blow job or fellatio), or anus (rimming or anilingus).

Health considerations

STIs and oral sex

Some STIs can be passed during oral sex. For example, herpes sores on the mouth or genitals can pass the virus to a partner’s genitals or mouth. Syphilis, HPV, chlamydia and gonorrhea can all be passed with unprotected oral sex. However, the chance of getting or passing HIV through oral sex is low. Parasites, shigellosis and hepatitis A can be passed through rimming (oral sex on an anus). You cannot get pregnant from oral sex.

For more information on oral sex and STIs, visit our Know Your Chances page.

Preventing STIs during oral sex

Barriers like condoms or dental dams are the best way to stop STIs during oral sex. If you don’t use a barrier, there are other ways to lower your chances of STIs:

  • Avoid having oral sex if you or your partners have cuts or sores in or on the mouth or genitals.
  • Wash the anal area before rimming.
  • Get tested for STIs regularly – this may include throat swabs for chlamydia and gonorrhea. If you are diagnosed with an STI, make sure that you and your partners are properly treated.
  • Make sure your hepatitis vaccines are up-to-date. Hepatitis A can be spread by a small amount of feces and hepatitis B can be spread through semen, vaginal and rectal fluids. There are vaccines available for both hepatitis A and B.

Resources

Anal Sex / Anal Play

Anal play is sexual stimulation of the anus and rectum. Anal play can include external stimulation of the anus with fingers, toys or mouth, or penetration with fingers, toys or a penis/external genitals (anal sex).

People of all sexual orientations and gender identities explore giving and receiving anal play. 

The anal region has many nerve endings, so stimulation in this area can feel good. People with prostates often enjoy indirect stimulation of the prostate through anal penetration. Anal play can also indirectly stimulate both the clitoris and the G-spot (an area located on the front wall a few inches inside the vagina/internal genitals).

The area around the anal opening is covered in hair for most people. Some people choose to remove this hair, while other people do not. It is normal to have hair around this part of the body.

The anus has two rings of muscles near the entrance. The outer ring can be controlled, which means you can tense and relax these muscles at will. The inner ring is involuntary, which means it can’t be controlled. Instead, you need to be fully relaxed for these muscles to accept penetration comfortably.

The rectum is the area inside the anus. It does not produce its own lubrication in response to sexual stimulation.

How does it work?

When first exploring anal play, go slowly. It takes time for muscles to relax enough to enjoy anal stimulation or penetration. Many people enjoy stimulation of the outside of the anus. This can involve using fingers, mouth or toys.  External stimulation can feel great on its own.

If you are exploring anal penetration, it is best to start with a finger or a very small toy. Penetration can be uncomfortable if the muscles of the anus are tight if you are nervous, or not aroused. Pain is a sign to stop or slow down. If you are playing with a partner, it is important to communicate and stop or slow down if there is any discomfort.

Lubrication is important for penetrative anal play. Lubrication will help protect the delicate skin of the anal area, and can make anal sex more pleasurable. Water-based lube is safe with both condoms and toys.

If you are not used to anal penetration, the sensation may feel a little strange at first – like you need to have a bowel movement. This is normal, and it can take some time and practice for the feeling to become pleasurable.

People with prostates may enjoy gentle pressure or stroking on the front wall of the rectum. If partners are facing each other, the giving partner can insert a finger and make a gentle beckoning motion to stimulate this area. You can also use this technique to indirectly stimulate the g-spot of the vagina/internal genitals through the rectum.

Health considerations

STIs, other infections and anal sex

If you practice anal play with partners, we recommended that you get regular STI testing.  If possible, you should let your health care provider know that you have anal sex so that they can offer you the right tests.

STI transmission can occur with:

  • penis-in-anus penetration
  • skin-to-skin contact between genitals and anus
  • oral-anal contact (rimming)
  • sharing sex toys without cleaning between uses

You can use internal or external condoms to reduce the possibility of passing STIs during anal play. With an internal condom, you can remove the inside ring and gently push the condom inside the anus using a finger or toy. Use plenty of lube on both the outside and inside of the condom. Make sure the condom is in place before skin-to-skin contact between genitals and the anal area.

Healthy/bacteria that exist in the rectum can cause problems if passed to other body parts, like genitals, urethra or mouth. It is also possible to pass an STI from the anus to other body parts, or from other body parts to the anus.

Oral-anal contact (rimming) can pass STIs, parasites or fecal bacteria to someone’s mouth. It is also possible to pass an STI from the mouth to the anus. To avoid passing these organisms from one person to another, use oral or dental dams during oral-anal play. To increase pleasure, put water-based lubricant on the anus before placing the oral dam on top. Put a new condom on a toy or penis after it comes out of the anus and before it goes into the mouth.

Bacteria in the anus can also cause urinary tract infections if it comes in contact with the vagina/internal genitals.  It is important to put a new condom on a toy or penis/external genitals after it comes out of the anus and before it rubs up against or goes inside the vagina/internal genitals.

Anal toys

If you are using sex toys, make sure they have a flared base. A butt plug is a good example of this type of toy. A toy without a flared base can get pulled inside the rectum and may not be easily removed. If you do get a toy or any other object stuck in your rectum, go to a hospital emergency room right away.

Other types of anal toys include dildos of various shapes and sizes, vibrators, and anal beads. Many people start with smaller toys, and work towards larger toys or a penis when they feel ready.

Washing and douching

Many people feel self-conscious about cleanliness during anal play. Washing the anal area with gentle soap and water before anal play is enough to be clean for sex. Some people will gently insert their finger a couple inches into their rectum to help clean it while they are in the shower.

Some people choose to douche before anal play, but it is not necessary for enjoying anal play. While douching can clean the rectum more thoroughly, it can also strip away the protective mucous that coats the inside of the rectum. This can cause some inflammation and increase the chances of tissue tearing, which increases the chances of getting or passing STIs.

If you douche, use lots of lube as well as condoms/barriers for sex to prevent STI transmission. Lastly, if you douche, we recommend you do it several hours before anal play because it can sometimes cause an urgent bowel movement.

Diet

Some people find that eating a high-fibre diet and drinking plenty of water helps maintain a clean colon.

Resources

Online

AVERT.org – helpful information about anal sex

Scarleteen: Anal Sex Lowdown – Questions & Answers on anal sex

Books (also available as ebooks and audio books)

Anal Pleasure and Health: A guide for men, women and couples by Jack Morin

The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino

The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Men by Bill Brent

The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure by Charlie Glickman and Aislinn Emirzian

Fisting

Fisting (fist-fucking, handballing) involves penetrating the vagina/internal genitals or anus with the entire hand. Fisting is a slow, gentle process that needs plenty of communication and trust.

How does it work?

Fisting works best when the receiver is already aroused. Warm-up can involve different kinds of stimulation, such as direct or indirect genital or anal stroking, vibration, or penetration. The giver should start with gentle penetration using one or more fingers. Plenty of lubrication should be used along the entire hand, from fingertips to wrist. As the receiver’s body relaxes and is able to accept more penetration, more fingers can be inserted. The giver should move slowly and check in often about what feels good for the receiver.

The giver should wait until the receiver is relaxed before trying to gently insert their full hand. Both the receiver and giver can learn to feel when the muscles are relaxed enough to accept an entire hand. It’s important for the receiver to let the giver know if they feel any pain or discomfort

Once inside, even the slightest movement can be very intense for the receiver. Gentle movements, including twisting of the hand, can feel good. Experienced receivers may enjoy more vigorous movement, including in-and-out motion.

For some people with a vagina/internal genitals, stimulation of the G-spot (an area on the front wall of the vagina/internal genitals) can feel good – this can be done by making a beckoning motion with the fingers, towards the belly button. People with prostates can also enjoy this motion.

When the giver is ready to take their hand out, it should be done gently, never abruptly. The receiver relaxing their muscles, or using their muscles to push on the hand, can help the giver to pull their hand out. It may take time and more lube, but the muscles will relax – the giver should not force it. As fisting can be emotionally intense for both giver and receiver, partners may want to have some quiet time together afterwards.

Health considerations

Fisting is considered low risk for sexually transmitted infections. However, fisting can sometimes create tears in the lining of the vagina/internal genitals or rectum, which increases the chances of getting or passing an STI. Using barriers, such as condoms, for any sex that happens after fisting will help to lower the chances.

Gloves are recommended for fisting, since even small bumps or hangnails on the fingers may cause discomfort for the receiver. Gloves will also protect the internal genitals from bacteria that can live under the fingernails. Water or silicone based lubricant is best with gloves, as oil-based lube can damage latex. Gloves will help lubricant last longer and will help with smoother insertion. If gloves are not used, then fingernails should be short, filed smooth and very clean, with no hangnails or open cuts on hands.

People receiving anal fisting may choose to douche the rectum beforehand. Even small amounts of harder feces (poop) in the rectum can cause discomfort or tears. Douching can strip the rectum of protective mucous, which can also increase the possibility of passing STIs during any sex that happens after fisting. If the receiver douches, we recommend it several hours before anal fisting because it can sometimes cause an urgent bowel movement.

Fisting can cause larger tears or damage to the vagina/internal genitals or rectum. This is rare, but it can be serious or even life-threatening. Going slowly and gently, using plenty of lube, communicating, and not playing under the influence of drugs or alcohol can reduce this chance. If the receiver experiences a sharp pain, a tearing or popping sensation, dizziness, excessive bleeding, or intense abdominal pain after fisting, seek medical help right away.

Resources

Online

5 Fisting Tips – Tips for vaginal/internal genital fisting (but also relevant for anal fisting)

Advocate – Tips for anal fisting

Books

A Hand In The Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting by Deborah Addington

Trust: A Guide to the Sensual and Spiritual Art of Handballing by Bert Hermann

Anal Pleasure and Health: A guide for men, women and couples by Jack Morin

Resources and Related Pages